2 Samuel 13:12-16: a reflection

12She answered him, “No, my brother, do not force me! For no such thing ought to be done in Israel. Don’t you do this folly! 13As for me, where would I carry my shame? And as for you, you will be as one of the fools in Israel. Now therefore, please speak to the king; for he will not withhold me from you.” 14However, he would not listen to her voice; but being stronger than she, he forced her and lay with her. 15Then Amnon hated her with exceedingly great hatred; for the hatred with which he hated her was greater than the love with which he had loved her. Amnon said to her, “Arise, be gone!” 16She said to him, “Not so, because this great wrong in sending me away is worse than the other that you did to me!” But he would not listen to her.

This passage records a grievous wrong: Amnon, driven by lust, assaults his sister Tamar, despite her earnest pleading. She begs him not to do this shameful thing, appeals to reason and conscience; but he will not listen, and forces her. And then comes a chilling detail: afterward, Amnon hates her intensely, more than he had desired her before. What he called love was not love at all; once his lust was satisfied, it turned instantly to contempt and cruelty, and he cast her out.

Notice the terrible truth this passage exposes: that lust masquerading as love is really contempt for the other. Amnon claimed to love Tamar; but his so-called love was mere lust, a desire to use her for his own gratification. And the proof is what followed: once his lust was satisfied, his supposed love turned to hatred, and he cast her aside. True love seeks the good of the other; lust seeks only its own gratification, and treats the other as a thing to be used, then discarded. What Amnon felt was never love, but a self-serving desire that was, at heart, contempt.

That distinction, between love and lust, is one we must not blur. Lust can wear the mask of love, calling itself love while really seeking only its own gratification, treating others as things to be used for our desire. But such lust is not love; it is, at heart, a contempt for the other, using them rather than seeking their good. Do not mistake lust for love, in yourself or others; the desire that seeks only its own gratification, treating another as a thing to be used, is not love but its opposite. Honor others as persons, seeking their true good, rather than using them for your own desire; for that is love, while the self-serving desire that uses and discards, whatever it calls itself, is contempt masquerading as love. Guard your own heart to love truly, seeking the good of others, and never to use them, as Amnon used Tamar, under the false name of love.

Lord, this passage records a grievous wrong: Amnon, driven by lust, assaulted his sister Tamar despite her pleading, and afterward hated her more than he had desired her, casting her out; what he called love was never love, but a self-serving lust that turned instantly to contempt. Help me see the terrible truth it exposes: that lust masquerading as love is really contempt for the other. True love seeks the good of the other; lust seeks only its own gratification, treating the other as a thing to be used, then discarded. Keep me from blurring that distinction, in myself or others. Lust can wear the mask of love, calling itself love while really seeking only its own gratification. But such lust is not love; it is, at heart, a contempt for the other. Keep me from mistaking lust for love; help me honor others as persons, seeking their true good, rather than using them for my own desire; for that is love, while the self-serving desire that uses and discards, whatever it calls itself, is contempt masquerading as love. Guard my heart to love truly, seeking the good of others, and never to use them, as Amnon used Tamar, under the false name of love. Teach me to love, Lord, not to use.