John 18:12-17: a reflection

12So the detachment, the commanding officer, and the officers of the Jews seized Jesus and bound him, 13and led him to Annas first, for he was father-in-law to Caiaphas, who was high priest that year. 14Now it was Caiaphas who advised the Jews that it was expedient that one man should perish for the people. 15Simon Peter followed Jesus, as did another disciple. Now that disciple was known to the high priest, and entered in with Jesus into the court of the high priest; 16but Peter was standing at the door outside. So the other disciple, who was known to the high priest, went out and spoke to her who kept the door, and brought in Peter. 17Then the maid who kept the door said to Peter, “Are you also one of this man’s disciples?” He said, “I am not.”

Peter is doing better than the others here; he followed, while most fled. But he followed at a distance, into the courtyard of the high priest, standing by the fire among the wrong crowd. And there the test comes, not from a soldier with a sword, but from a servant girl at the door: are you also one of this man's disciples? And Peter, who had sworn he would die for Jesus, says three small words: I am not.

Notice how low the stakes were. It was not torture that undid him; it was a casual question from a doorkeeper. The denial we fear may come in some dramatic trial, but it usually slips out in a small, ordinary moment, when it would just be easier not to be associated with Jesus right now. Peter meant every word of his earlier courage, and still it failed him at the door.

There is honesty here about ourselves: we too are capable of the quiet I am not, the moment we let pass rather than own that we belong to Christ. But remember whose story this is. This same Peter, who denied at a door, Jesus would seek out and restore. If you have denied him in some small, cowardly moment, you are not beyond the reach of the One who restored Peter. Own it, turn back, and let him restore you too.

Lord, like Peter I can mean my devotion and still deny you in a small, easy moment. Give me courage to own that I am yours, and when I fail, restore me as you restored him.